Sunday, May 17, 2009
My son, Jack, is the serious one in the family. Don’t know how I spawned a stone face from this pack of clowns, but I am forever on a mission to convert him to the cult of the ridiculous and sarcastic from which I was born.
Today he and his friend, Christian, barreled into the kitchen overflowing with giggles.
Jack: MOM! THERE IS A TOILET ON OUR FRONT LAWN!
Christian: Lisa, there IS!
Me: I know. Dad and I thought we could put it in the corner of the yard to make it convenient for you when you’re playing football with your friends.
Jack: MOM! You can’t do that! That is against the law!
Me: No. People do it all the time. We all have to use the toilet. This will save you time and keep all the kids out of our house.
Jack: I am NOT using that.
Christian: Me either.
Me: Okay then, I’ll make it into a seat. You guys can sit on it when you’re tired.
Jack: Mom, I won’t sit there. That would be so embarrassing.
Me: Guys, we are a recycling family. You know that. So it’s either going to be a toilet, a nice seat for you to sit on or we’re going to put dirt in it and make it into a flower pot. I found a nice spot for it right under your bedroom window.
Jack: No WAY!
Me: Pick one.
Jack: I don’t WANT a toilet under my window! Put it under YOUR window.
Me: My room faces the back of the house. Then no one will see it.
Jack: No one WANTS to see a toilet in our yard.
Me: Pick one.
Jack: All rrrrright I’ll pick the flower pot.
Christian: Seriously, what are going to do with that toilet?
Me: Well, the other thought I had was to wait til the middle of the night and put it in someone else’s yard. Sort of like the Neighborhood of the Traveling Toilet. Whoever gets it will know it means that someone likes them. And then they can put it in someone else’s yard the next night. And so on.
Christian: I don’t think my parents will think it’s a good thing.
Me: No they will. They’ll like it. Trust me.
Jack: Mom, you could get arrested.
Me: Arrested for giving my neighbor a gift? I doubt the police officer is going to see it that way.
Jack: Mom, please don’t.
Me: All right. We can keep it.
Jack: Ya, but I don’t like any of the choices.
Me: Honey, this is the country. A toilet on our front lawn is cool. This will help us bond with people.
Jack: Mom, now I think you’re just kidding with me.