Monday, March 2, 2009

Film Strip

Fruit BasketImage by Shutter Ferret via Flickr

There are some people who should just stay the hell away from all things photographic. I am the Grand Puba of that bunch. I make my very-Martha-Stewart-mother-in-law throw her French manicured hands in the air when she sees me reach for the camera. She knows it won’t end well.

All that will be evidenced on film will be random body parts. An ear. The scalp. An elbow. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but it’s clearly very wrong. It’s either an aiming problem or the fact that my children never stop moving.

What child, in this day and age, does not have an entire video and photo library dedicated to them? Oh, that would be my kids.

In my endless quest to document my children’s life, I ordered a gently used, but highly touted video camera from some guy on Ebay. A week later, camcorder in hand, I read the manual diligently.

Ally, only seven at the time, was leaning on my shoulder as I tested out the buttons. I hit something and suddenly up came a series of photos.

At first, they looked like cropped pictures of a naked baby. The belly was swollen and shiny. There was no head in the frame. Then I saw something very tiny dangling. Ah, it must be a baby boy.

Then we arrived at the close-up. It was definitely a male. Definitely over 40.

Ally: What IS that, Mom? It looks like a fruit basket.

Me: Yes, it does.

Ally: Why are there pictures on the camera?

Me: Oh, I think the man who sold it to me wanted to say, “Thank you for buying my camera.”

I felt compelled to write him and express my appreciation.

Dear Naked Torso Man,

I received the camera today. Such speedy delivery. Oh, and I found the photos you sent me. While I appreciate the sentiment, I’m more accustomed to receiving a note asking for Ebay feedback. My seven-year-old daughter got an eyeful as I scrolled through the photos. Thank you for giving me a reason to prematurely discuss crazy naked people with her. No offense, but you should reconsider your modeling career. There are some things that should never be captured on film.

Sincerely,
Sickened In San Diego









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12 comments:

Rae Ann said...

Holy sheep! Really? What a perv. Did you report him to eBay? That seems like a worthy offence.

San Diego Writer Girl said...

I didn't report him. I didn't really think I could, to tell you the truth. I was so creeped out that I just wanted to be done with the whole thing. There are some twisted people in this world!

Deb said...

The Angel on my shoulder says: Maybe the reason he was selling the camera is that he could never quite figure out how to use it? Therefore, he didn't know to erase the pictures?

The Devil says: He was trading up to a new camera with more pixels, better clarity and HD.

Those situations are so whacked when you have to deal with them while your kids are watching. It's akin to, Mommy, look what came up on google images when I searched for a bunny picture for my report. Yikes!

San Diego Writer Girl said...

Deb, Something tells me that there is a population of people who "want" you to see their fruit basket. I kinda think it was intentional. And who takes nudie photos of themselves when they are a good 150 pounds overweight? Eewww...I'm getting a flashback and a shiver.

San Diego Momma said...

Oh yuck.

Crazy naked people are the worst.

Crazy, naked, over-40, over-150-lbs. naked people are the WORST of the worst.

San Diego Writer Girl said...

SD Momma,

I agree. Crazy can be intriguing, but crazy and naked - not a good combo! LOL.

I am Harriet said...

Hi!
Just stopping by to say "HELLO!".
Have a great day and TGIF!

I am Harriet said...

Hi.
Just passing through via MBC.
Have a great day!

Staci said...

How gross! I would have died.... People are so strange and CREEPY!

Terry Heath said...

Wow. But it's possible the seller bought the camera somewhere and was reselling it to make money . . . ? At least that way you don't have to think you might actually have a connection to the camera guy.

San Diego Writer Girl said...

Oh, Terry...I'd like to entertain that but he professed to be the original owner, so he takes the blame for the geriatric porn that he sent me.

Amanda said...

OMG that is so disturbing and hysterical at the same time! Sorry your daughter had to see the obsenity. What are some people thinking??